Disappearing 4-Patch Quilt

I got to pull another drawer out of my job box and start on a new quilt the other day. It had started with 4 fat quarters I found at Pacific Fabric Outlet. I'd found a pattern called Baby Basic Blocks that used fat quarters and put that pattern in the box thinking it was the right one for the material. But, what a surprise, when I pulled it out and started thinking about how it would look, the pattern wasn't quite what I wanted.

I'd seen a Disappearing 4-Patch tutorial on Pinterest (don't you just love the ideas that come from all those pictures?) and decided it was the perfect way to show off the material. The tutorial is at AndiJohnsonSews - in case you want to take a look.

Here are the fat quarters that I started with. The one with the Unicorn is my focus piece - lots of wonderful colors for matching.

 

Then I pulled from my stash and what a surprise, this is going to be a lovely Turquoise number. I'm beginning to think my Turquoise phase is a life-time thing :)

I now have 20 4-patch blocks ready for their Disappearing act. I'm not sure that is enough so may go back to the stash to find a few more remnants to grow the quilt size.

 

Baker's Dozen

Finally finished stitching the binding on the Baker's Dozen quilt. It's been washed and all the machine quilting I did seems to be still there - that's always a relief. It will make a nice addition to the table when I go to the Craft Fare in a couple weeks.

Daring Greatly

Now Brene' is talking about Numbing as a shield. When I saw this title, I thought about the Dentist; how the shot of Novocain always feels worse than anything until I hear the drill. I'm grateful for the numbing once the drilling starts but I always wonder if recovering from time in the Dentist chair wouldn't be easier if I didn't start with a fat lip. And then I wondered if reading this section was going to end up with a fat lip - but I read on anyway.

In the first paragraph I was caught by the phrase, "if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won't catch up with us." So numbing isn't just the obvious vices: drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, etc. Brene's talking about what I do to distance myself from me. And, since the way to feel connected, to live a Wholehearted life is to show up as myself; this numbing shield keeps me from engaging. And, driving my decision to use this shield is shame, which leads to anxiety and disconnection. What a tangled web I weave.

Taking jobs with a high profile is always good for my bank accounts but making the job my only focus has led me to develop a lot of "busy" habits. My life consists of 10-12 hours of work that drains me of all my energy - physical, emotional and mental. I sleep for a couple hours and do it all over again. And, I never feel like I get enough done or do anything good enough. Sounds like numbing to me.

The Daring Greatly strategy for numbing is Setting Boundaries, Finding True Comfort and Cultivating Spirit. All things I am very interested in.

Brene' lists three things Wholehearted people talked about when it comes to numbing:

1. Learn how to actually feel your feelings
2. Stay mindful about numbing behaviors
3. Learn to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions

I would like to move from "finding a way to manage and soothe anxiety" to recognizing and "changing the behaviors that led to anxiety." Again, the first step seems to be mindfulness - paying attention to my own behavior and stopping what I habitually do so I have the presence of mind to use one (or more) of the Daring Greatly strategies.

"...our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

What I now understand - after reading about these shields - is I barely know who I am (especially at an emotional level) let alone accept who I am. I feel like all the seminars, classes, therapy and books I've studied have skirted around the fact that I am disconnected from myself.

I'm not sure exactly what I will do with all this; now that I've come this conclusion. Might take a few days or weeks or maybe just knowing and recognizing the triggers will led to something that works for me and that increase my self-acceptance. I think that is my true goal (probably always has been). I want to be happy with myself on all levels.