Life

I've spent most of my time over the past few days looking for a job. Which has limited the time I have for quilting and other endeavors but my bank account requires feeding and this is how I can make that happen. It's a struggle, for me, to deal with the sterile approach these days; you apply online, you hear nothing from no one and you have to assume it isn't you. So I've been in a bit of a slump - worthiness issues and all.

Yesterday I met with the Wedding Guest quilt owner to arrange the blocks of her quilt and I remembered there are things I do quite well. So, I'm back looking at all the job boards I know and submitting my resume to the great black hole and thinking good thoughts.

Quilt Basics Class #1

I am very pleased with my homework this week - if I do say so myself :) The assignment was to make the blocks that go between the focus blocks. They are 9-piece blocks with a border. I've done tons of 9-piece blocks but I've never had them come out square before - I've always had to trim or stretch them to fit into the size the pattern says they are supposed to be.

I put blue tape on my machine to mark the 1/4 inch mark. Even though I have a 1/4 inch pressure foot, I realized I wasn't paying enough attention to make my seams really straight - just mostly. And I think this is part of the success for this assignment. The other part is completely changing how I cut the material. The method I learned in class is producing much straighter strips which - big surprise - are making the piece more accurate.

And, I love this color combination - my usual monochrome approach which will change as the other quilt blocks get done but for now, it is so me.

Artists Sketch Blocks

The Wedding Guest blocks gave me an idea for a present for a friend who is going to art school. I picked up a few fat quarters that were on sale - very loosely coordinated - and will use some left over white material from another quilt. The white will be the center and I'll give her permanent markers so she can draw on all the centers. And then the fat quarters will be a boarder around the white. I'll put the blocks together with clips -  so she can pull a block out to work on it and then put it back - and when they are all done, we'll make a quilt of original art by a soon to be famous artist.

We'll see if I can get it done for Christmas but if not, there is always time to draw, right?

Daring Greatly

The past few days I've been reading about how men and women feel and react to shame; how different our triggers are.

In spite of Women's Lib; studies (and my personal experience) show that women are still assessed first on appearance and mothering and then on other things. Comments, even from total strangers, in either of these two areas often bring on waves of shame. (for me even comments from myself make me feel ashamed of my appearance) We are expected to be perfect but not allowed to make any mistakes or show any struggle while getting there.

Men haven't exactly been liberated either. They are expected to never be perceived as weak. Brene' uses the example of the Wizard of Ox - the real Wizard was normal so he built a box to stand on and a curtain to hide behind while he controlled the "great and powerful" Oz. Men respond to shame by either being pissed off or they shut down.

Brene' uses the term "cruelty culture" to refer to the open attacks on one another - especially on the Internet. But she also talks about a natural reaction to our own shame is to find someone doing worse in the area we feel the most shame and pick on them to divert attention away from us. This really helps me understand behavior I've seen on teams at work who fight amongst themselves about silly, trivial stuff.

"Cultivating intimacy - physical or emotional - is almost impossible when our shame triggers meet head-on and create the perfect storm."

Reading this sentence makes me realize that intimacy is what got lost when I ran and hid from Michael. Now that I understand my reaction was from the shame I felt of picking yet another man who doesn't share my money principals. And, I've realized I love him - richer or poorer - I'm determined to recapture the passion I once felt for him.

This also makes me wonder if there is a concept of "original shame"? Kind'a like original sin that impacts everything. When I read Brene's stories of people talking about shame and how it relates to physical intimacy, I wondered if the events of my childhood and the shame I still feel around that - even after 60 years - has somehow lead me to a cliff. I have seen and felt what physical intimacy can be but have done a fine job of running away from it.

And, at the same time, I realize the exercises I've given myself that involve reaching out, I consider successful except the person I care most about hasn't been the "man in my arena." I'm sure I'm thinking I'll practice with others (get perfect) so when I get the courage to talk to Michael, I won't make any mistakes. But who do I really want in my area? I want to get past feeling like he is not able to empathize - he's a guy, they don't do empathy - but how is that ever going to happen if I keep running away?